The Wannabe Press Officer writes another spoof press release:
A spokesperson for Hereford United (1939) Limited – formerly known as Hereford United Football Club – has this morning discussed how plans for the 2014/15 season are progressing.
In an open and honest interview, the spokesperson – who has not been named as no-one currently officially works at the club – said:
“First of all it’s important I apologise to all those people still waiting for the payments we promised weeks and weeks ago.
“We have expressed our displeasure directly to the Royal Mail because their continued inability to deliver the cheques we have sent on several occasions is causing us embarrassment and means we are getting undeserved criticism.
“I’d also like to say that plans for our CVA are going well and we are hopeful that an agreement can be reached with creditors – both genuine and fictional – to ensure we can continue with our plans while spending as little money as we possibly can.
“Moving on, this has been a big week at Edgar Road as we have fought off strong competition from a number of clubs to secure our new management team. Jon Taylor and Neil Phelps arrive at the club with a wealth of experience at the bottom of league tables in low level non league football and also in junior football locally.
“We feel Jon’s ability to spot players who cannot compete will be of great benefit to us, while Neil’s knowledge of local youngsters will be useful as many of our squad are likely to be under 16 this season. However, I’d reassure supporters that the squad will remain full time, although many will just have to work around their school commitments.
“Sadly the make-up of our new squad means the European Tour may be in down because out sustainable plan for this football club means we cannot afford to pay for parents to join their children as we leave the UK.
“An added bonus of Jon’s appointment is that he brings with him experience in the property development world. We did not know this when we first approached him to look after the football side but we feel this can only be a good thing for the club anyway.
“I’m sure many people were concerned when we had to cancel two friendlies due to a lack of safety certificate here at Edgar Road but this is not something that people need to worry about. We are borrowing a safety certificate from Grays Athletic and once we have photocopied and amended it, we are sure this will suffice for the local council.
“We have a couple of high profile friendlies lined up in the next week and we’re really looking forward to seeing how our new team performs. The fact no local club will play us is probably a positive because pre-season is all about building confidence and getting battered by sides such as Orleton, Weobley, Ledbury and Pegasus Juniors would probably not be great preparation.
“Season Tickets are also on sale now and I’d encourage our fantastic supporters to get in quickly before they sell out. We have had already had one telephone call about season tickets and although that turned out to be someone dialling the wrong number we were encouraged that the phone actually rang.
“We are aware that the 8 to 10 people who use the Bulls Banter Message Board are endorsing the boycott that has been proposed by unimportant supporters group such as HUST, the London Bulls and Scottish Bulls, but we know our true fans will ignore the views of these groups.
“Compared to what we’ve done for this club in the past six weeks - and all the money we’ve pumped into the club - it must be obvious that only we really have the best interests of the future of higher level football in Herefordshire at heart.
“The opportunity to own a property or go shopping at Edgar Road is surely a unique thing for any true football fan to be able to do so we are focussing all our attention on brainwashing the council into letting us do what we want with the leases so we can really get to work here.
“Finally, I’d just like to thank local people for the welcome they have given us since we’ve been here. The people of Hertfordshire really are special and although a small minority continue to peddle a negative agenda against what we’re trying achieve, I’d like to ask the 3 people that do believe in us to continue to keep the faith as this season is going to be one to remember.”